Ultimate chat-up line: Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?"
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'
I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West.
I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.
To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!
A spa hotel is like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble.
I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.
There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.
The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?
Alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex. After they've drunk enough of it.
Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls
Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
Descartes finishes his drink and the barman says: "Want another?" Descartes says: "I think not" and vanishes.
How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.
What lies shivering on the seabed? A nervous wreck.
How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor? Silverware.
What bird can lift the most? A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear? Address.
What country makes you shiver? Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something!
Which two sports have face-offs? Ice hockey and leper boxing
What did one magnet say to the other? I find you very attractive.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati? Dead.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.
What do you do when your chair breaks? Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? A piano.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer.
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
What kind of ties can't you wear? Railroad ties.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car? A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car? A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud? A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.
Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.
Why did the doughnut shop close? The owner got tired of the hole business!
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
"I do like to see the arms and legs fly" Col. George S Patton
The chickens have come to roast
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" - Mark Twain
If your parents didn't have any kids, there's a good chance you won't.
"To have no wants is divine" Socrates
An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank
Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.
College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep
The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation
A self-made man? Yes - and worships his creator.
Why is it that everyone has to be different these days?
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
"They defend their errors as if they were defending their inheritance"
Forecast for tonight: Dark
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
Some things have to be believed to be seen
God must love the common people, he made so many of them.
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
"Life's a bitch, and then you murder one" ex basket-ball player
Overpopulation : When people take leave of their census
Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
Dead people are cool
Television: the bland leading the bland
Old musicians never die. They just decompose
4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
"My name is Dr. Hildegarde Landstrom, and I am quite, quite mad."
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The anger of the meek and humble is named wrath
We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
If you don't like the way women drive....get off the sidewalks
"It is unbelievable what unbelievable things an unbeliever will believe in order to be an unbeliever."
Anybody can be Pope; the proof is that I have become one. John XXIII
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.
All right. Who set the phasers to deep fat fry?
9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.
Politics - Poli = Many , Tics = Blood sucking parasites
"I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?" -- Groucho
Hey! Look at our Al. He's the only boy walking in step!
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Very few people can afford to be poor.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot.
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
98% of all constipated people don't give a crap
Attention animal lovers, what you are doing is illegal....
Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.
100% of all smokers die. So do 100% of all non-smokers.
The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.
To every rule there is an exception. Except this rule. Er...
... Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours
A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves
"Trust me, I haven't done this before and it didn't work then either"
Don't beam me up yet Scotty....I'm having a Sh..i..i....i
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!
The Truth Is The Only Law
A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory.
... And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and Women Drivers
This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.
SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice
Wine is sunlight, held together by water
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.
Today's rebel is tomorrow's tyrant.
It's easier to denature plutonium than the evil spirit of man. Einstein
Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.
High heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.
Millihelen: Amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
9 out of 10 cats prefer mice.
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the other way round
A smart man covers his butt, a wise man leaves his pants on.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very precise mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Don't anthropomorphise computers. They hate it.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\<>
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
When I grow up I want to be a web page.
E Pluribus Modem
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Itanium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press -- to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Intel inside. Idiot outside.
Even parity's odd
Keyboard error. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"4MB is our mantra." - Steve Ballmer, 1994
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
"No, we don't write stable Operating Systems!"-Bill Fences(MickySoft)
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
