Good one liner

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Warning: Retiree--knows it all and has plenty of time to tell you about it.

It ain't the age. It's the mileage.

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Retirement: twice as much husband, half as much money.

Over what hill? Where? When? I don't remember any hill.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

One good thing about Alzheimers is you get to meet new people everyday.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all-bran?

I finally got my head together, but now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

If you remember the 60's you weren't really there.

Fifty is the ultimate F-word.

I'm not 50--I'm 18 with 32 years' experience.

Goodbye tension. Hello pension.

Life is hard. Then you're not here.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget all your problems is to wear tight shoes.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at 40, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along comes today.

I look in the mirror and there is this old person staring back at me.

A lot of people my age are dead at the present time." Casey Stengl

I'm not suddenly a dirty old man. I've been practising since 1949.

60-year-old, one owner, needs parts...make offer

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Boob's Law: You will always find something in the last place you look.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.

Any day above ground is a good one.

The trouble with life: you're halfway through before you realize it's a "do it yourself."

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

It's not the pace of life that bothers me; it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Support Bingo. Keep Grandma off the streets.

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

The more things change, the more they remain insane.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down to your hips.

Age is important, only if you're a cheese.

Forget health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

One mystery of life is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where.

You're getting older when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster used to.

I have a photographic memory, but the lens cap is glued on.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere.

I never worry when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.

Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you put them to where you can't find them.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

If I had known I would live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

A nest is not empty until all their stuff is out of the attic.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling."

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Every time I think I've hit bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

I intend to live forever--so far so good.

I only remember important things, whatever they were.

Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

Gone crazy. Be back shortly.

I used to be disgusted. Now I'm just amused.

(For more Senior Humor, visit Senior Treasures

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THE WELL-TURNED PHRASE
=========================

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

She had a body like a burlap bag full of bobcats.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

If something goes without saying, let it!

Corduroy pillows cause headlines.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.

Remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

Dyslexics Untie!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

Hukt on fonix werkt fer me.

Regarding apathy, I have no opinion.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Diplomacy: the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I have the body of a god....Buddha.

No matter where you go, there you are.

I used to smoke. Now I just smolder.

A friend in need is a pain in the ass.

I used to contain myself, but I escaped.

Hermits unite!

He who hesitates is probably right.

Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.

Speak softly and wear a loud shirt.

This is the first day of wrecking your life.

There's no place like http://www.home.com

Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do make a right.

Break a habit. Drop it.

Beauty Parlor: a place where women curl up and dye.

Cannibal: someone who is fed up with people.

Committee: a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Dust: mud with the juice squeezed out.

Egotist: someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Gossip: a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Innuendo: Italian suppository.

Myth: a female moth.

Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.

Raisin: grape with sunburn.

Secret: something you tell to one person at a time.

Skeleton: a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Toothache: the pain that drives you to extraction.

Yawn: an honest opinion openly expressed.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Be Alert! The world needs more lerts.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Ignorance is no excuse. It's the real thing.

Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The future will be better tomorrow. Dan Quayle.

My dog can lick anyone.

Nuclear fission needs special bait.

Give pizza chance.

Procrastinate now.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

Any philosophy that can fit into a nutshell belongs there.

Education is what you have left after you've lost all your notes.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

Jesus is coming. Look busy.

Don't get your undies in a bunch.

Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

If you can read this, thank a teacher.

Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?

Atheism: a non-prophet religion.

That was Zen. This is Tao.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Cancer cures smoking.

Do not adjust your mind. The fault is with reality.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Meandering to a different drummer.

remain.com

Everyone on these premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Clones are people, two.

Entrophy isn't what it used to be.

Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

Not all who wander are lost.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Labor Movement: The folks who brought you the weekend.

Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upsidedown.

Free the Indy 500.

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

Quick! Call a witch doctor! My witch is sick.

This is the first day to rescue your life.

Compost happens.

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PUTDOWNS WITH PANACHE
=========================

Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

What brought you here and does it have reverse?

Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out by itself.

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.

I'm not young enough to know everything.

Who died and made you Darth Vader?

Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

You've got two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.

The gene pool could stand a little chlorine.

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Some people are living proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Here's a penny for your thoughts. Got change?

He has a room temperature IQ.

A gross ignoramus is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?

Why don't you slip into something nicer. Like unconsciousness.

You're depriving a village of an idiot.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

My honor student is also a black belt, so bring on your bully!

He's so narrow-minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

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GOT ATTITUDE?
=========================

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Chew on a sock.

Earth is full. Go home.

Caution: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

You say I'm a bitch like that's a bad thing.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cat.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of Smart?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Mind like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Uniquely maladjusted--but fun.

Drugs lead to nowhere, but it's the scenic route.

Conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do.

Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder--my work here is done.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily after.

Do I LOOK like a freakin' people person?

Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I think: therefore I don't listen to Dan Rather.

I think we met in a past life--and you were a dipstick then, too.

Oh, go evolve!

If I throw a stick will you leave?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiney-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

So many fools, so few comets.

So who piddled in your wheaties?

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

And which dwarf are you?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Sarcasm is just one service we offer.

Better living through denial.

It's not easy being right all the time.

No intelligent life down here. Beam me up Scotty.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. He only gargled.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

We serve only the finest California wines. Did you bring any?

Aliens have examined my internal organs.

I want it all and I want it delivered.

The meek shall inherit the earth...after we're done with it.

You nonconformists are all alike.

If you think there's good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Tell me to "stuff it"--I'm a taxidermist.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

I don't need your attitude. I have one of my own.

Move out of my way. I'm 16 today.

I am funkier than you.