TEN STEPS FOR WRITING RESEARCH PAPERS

There are ten steps involved in writing a research paper:

Step 1: Select a subject
Step 2: Narrow the topic
Step 3: State the tentative objective (or thesis)
Step 4: Form a preliminary bibliography
Step 5: Prepare a working outline
Step 6: Start taking notes
Step 7: Outline the paper
Step 8: Write a rough draft
Step 9: Edit your paper
Step 10: Write the final draft

Step 1: Select a subject Choose your subject carefully, keeping in mind the amount of time you have to write the paper, the length of the paper, your intended audience and the limits of the resources. Check in the library to make sure a reasonable amount of information is available on the subject you choose. Writing the paper will be much easier if you select a subject that interests you and that you can form an opinion or viewpoint about. In fact, it will be easier later on to narrow the topic if you choose a subject you already know something about. However, avoid controversial and sensational subjects that are not scholarly, or too technical, or will only restate the research material.

Step 2: Narrow the topic The topic of the paper is what you want to say about the subject. To narrow the topic, you need to read background articles about your subject in encyclopedias and other general references. Do not take notes at this time other than to jot down possible main ideas. As you read, ask questions like the following: Who are the important people involved? What are the major issues? What are my opinions regarding the topic? Why is this an important (controversial, interesting) subject? How has the problem (or issue) developed? When? Where? The answers will help you narrow your topic. Remember to keep in mind the length of your paper. Example of a topic for a five page paper: Too broad: Sports are enjoyable. Better, but still too broad: Swimming is enjoyable. (Answers the question, what sport is enjoyable?) Narrowed topic: Swimming is enjoyable because _______. (Answers the question, why is swimming enjoyable?) Narrowing the topic is a more complicated process for extensive research. General encyclopedias (like World Book) do not give enough information to get a broad overview of a subject, so instead you need to read specialized encyclopedias, abstracts, etc. At the reference desk in the Bender Library, there are reference guides in business and economics, humanities, history, politics and area studies, and language and literature. Ask the librarian about these and other sources that might be useful to you. When you find the reference books that are available, read only to get an overview of the subject.

Step 3: State your objective or thesis Before you begin your research for your paper, you need to compose a thesis statement that describes the viewpoint you are going to express and support in your paper. Since your purpose in the rest of the paper is to prove the validity of your thesis, your thesis statement provides a controlling idea which will help you choose the resource materials you will use and will limit your note taking. Example: Thesis statement: Ancient Greek culture is reflected in the lives of present day Greeks. Controlling idea: "reflected in." The writer will look for materials that describe characteristics of ancient Grecian culture and characteristics of modern Grecian culture, and for any similarities between the two. A thesis statement must not be an indisputable fact or an opinion that cannot be proven. For example, it would be difficult to write a research paper to prove the following thesis statements: o The United States was the first nation to land on the moon. [indisputable fact] o J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye is the most fascinating novel ever written. [insupportable opinion] Compose your thesis statement carefully, for it is the key to a good paper. As a matter of fact, a good thesis statement can outline your paper for you. For example, the following thesis can be divided into three parts that, in effect, provide a rough outline. Much of Martin Luther King's success resulted from the passive resistance techniques proposed by Mahatma Gandhi. 1. Martin Luther King's success. 2. The passive resistance techniques of Gandhi. 3. The role of Gandhi's passive resistance techniques in Martin Luther King's success. There are several common errors that students make when composing thesis statements. Some of these are listed below, with examples. 1. A thesis cannot be a fragment; it must be expressed in a sentence. Poor: How life is in a racial ghetto. Better: Residents of a racial ghetto tend to have a higher death rate, higher disease rates, and higher psychosis rates than do any other residents of American cities in general. 2. A thesis must not be in the form of a question. (Usually the answer to the question could be the thesis.) Poor: Should eighteen-year-old males have the right to vote? Better: Anyone who is old enough to fight in a war is old enough to vote. 3. A thesis must not contain phrases such as “I think.” (They merely weaken the statement.) Poor: In my opinion most men wear beards because they are trying to find themselves. Better: The current beard fad may be an attempt on the part of men to emphasize their male identity. 4. A thesis must not contain elements that are not clearly related. Poor: All novelists seek the truth; therefore some novelists are good psychologists. Better: In their attempt to probe human nature, many novelists appear to be good psychologists. 5. A thesis must not be expressed in vague language.  Poor: Bad things have resulted from religion being taught in the classroom. Better: Religion as part of the school curriculum should be avoided because it is a highly personal and individual commitment. 6. A thesis must not be expressed in muddled or incoherent language. Poor: In Act One of Othello, to cause them to feel fury against Othello, Iago fuels Brabantio, Othello, Roderigo, and Cassio with deceit by telling them lies. Better: In Act One of Othello, Iago deceives several characters in order to further his plot to destroy Othello's life. 7. A thesis should not be written in figurative language. Poor: Religion is the phoenix bird of civilization. Better: As long as man can conceive the idea of a god, religion will rise to give man a spiritual reason for existence.

Step 4: Form a Preliminary Bibliography A preliminary bibliography is a list of potential sources of information. In addition to the card catalog and the guides to reference books already mentioned in Step 2, there are other sources which will help you locate articles and books relevant to your topic. Some of these are listed below: Reference Guides to Indexes and Abstracts Indexes Reader's Guide to Periodical Literature, (1900- ) Business Periodicals Index Social Sciences and Humanities Index, (1965-1974) Humanities Index, ( 1974- ) Social Sciences Index, (1974- ) Bibliographies (available on many subjects) Bibliographic Index: A Cumulative Bibliography of Bibliographies Evaluate the potential sources as you go along, keeping in mind how well they relate to your topic, how up-to-date they are and how available they are. Watch for well-known authors and try to determine the point of view presented in the articles and whether they sound too technical or too simplistic. The following books can help you evaluate sources: Book Review Digest, (1905 - ) Book Review Index, (1965 - ) Index to Book Reviews in the Humanities (1960 - ) As you select articles and books, record information regarding them just as you want it to appear in your bibliography. Using 3x5 index cards is a good method. Later, when you complete your final bibliography, you will just arrange this information in alphabetical order. The form for bibliographic entries varies from school to school. If you are uncertain about which form to use, refer to a writer's handbook, such as A Manual for Writers of Term Papers, Theses, and Dissertations by Kate Turabian, which is available in the university bookstore. Also include the call number for each book and a personal note with each entry. An example of what a bibliographic note card might look like: Tillich, Paul. Systematic Technology. 3 vols. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1951-63. (esp. vol. 1, chp. 2) bibliographic information; also see chp. 4 for dissenting opinions Next, gather your materials. Evaluate them again, using the criteria mentioned above. Do this by previewing each source, checking the table of contents and index, finding relevant chapters and skimming them.

Step 5: Prepare a Working Outline A working outline is important because it gives order to your notetaking. As you do your research, you may find that you need to review your plan if you lack information about a topic or have conflicting information. Nevertheless, it provides a good starting point and is essential before you start to take notes. Begin by listing the topics you want to discuss in your paper. (You should have a general idea of these from the reading you have already done.) Then, divide the items on the list into major topics and subtopics. An example of a working outline is presented below: Thesis statement: Ancient Grecian culture is reflected in the present day Greeks. Working outline: Ancient Greeks Modern Greeks religious beliefs religious beliefs family structure family structure artistic pursuits artistic pursuits

Step 6: Start Taking Notes After you have gathered your materials and prepare a working outline, you can start to take notes. Write your notes on index cards (either 3x5" or 4x6") being sure to include only one note on each card. Each note should relate in some way to one of the topics on your working outline. Label each card with the appropriate topic; then you can easily organize your note cards later when you begin to prepare the final outline of your paper. Each note card should also include the title of the source of information and the page number to use later for footnoting. This is very important because you must cite all material even if you have not used the exact words of the text. Be sure to write the note in your own words; use direct quotes only when the information is worded in a particularly unusual way. To avoid overlooking any material, write on only one side of each card--if the note requires more space, use another card and label it accordingly. Read the passage below and the sample note card that follows it. Pay particular attention to the paraphrasing that summarizes the content of the passage and the other items included on the card. Thesis: Man's attempts to create a healthier and more prosperous life often have unforeseen detrimental effects upon the very environment he hopes to improve. Ecology and Its Implications In Malaysia recently, in an effort to kill off mosquitoes, American technologists sprayed woods and swamplands with DDT. Result? Cockroaches, which ate poisoned mosquitoes were slowed in their reactions that they could be eaten by a variety of tree-climbing lizards, which in turn could be eaten by cats, which promptly died of insecticide poisoning. The cats having died, the rat population began to increase; as rats multiplied, so did fleas: hence the rapid spread of bubonic plague in Malaysia. But that is not all. The tree-climbing lizards, having died, could no longer eat an insect that consumed the straw thatching of the natives' huts. So, as Malaysians died of the plague, their roofs literally caved in above their heads. Peter A. Gunter. The Living Wilderness. Spring 1970 Sample notecard: title of reference note in your own words: unforeseen detrimental effects "Ecol. & Its Implications" Living Wilderness. Spr. '70, p. 31 Recently the use of DDT in Malaysia, originally intended to kill mosquitoes, started a chain reaction of events leading to bubonic plaque and the actual collapse of Malaysian's huts. topic from working outline page number

Step 7: Outline the Paper The final outline is similar to the working outline, but is more complex, with each topic being further divided into several subtopics. To accomplish this, sort your note cards into separate piles according to the topics at the top of each them. Then, sort each pile into separate subtopics. For example, one of the topics from our sample working outline might be subdivided like this: Religious beliefs of the ancient Greeks ceremonies feelings about death deities Your final outline also should reflect the organizational format you have chosen for your paper. This will depend on the topic of your paper and your thesis statement. For example, if the topic of your paper is the artistic development of a famous painter, you would probably want to use a chronological organization. However, if your paper is a discussion of the family life of baboons and humans, a comparison-contrast format would be more appropriate.

Step 8: Write the Rough Draft After you have completed your final outline, you can begin to write your rough draft. It is important to remember that this rough draft will be revised. Therefore, at this time, you do not need to worry too much about spelling or punctuation. Instead, you should concentrate on the content of the paper, following your outline and expanding the ideas in it with information from your notes. Your paper should consist of three parts: the introduction, the body of the paper and the conclusion. The introduction should state the thesis, summarize the main ideas of the paper and capture the reader's interest. The body of the paper should develop each section of the outline. This is not difficult to do if you follow your outline and work through your note cards (which should be arranged to correspond with your outline) using the information from them to support the points you are making. Whenever you use information from a note card, remember to put a number at the end of the sentence. At the same time, write the footnote as it should appear in the paper at the bottom of the page you are working on or in list form on a separate sheet of paper. Number your notes consecutively throughout the paper. The conclusion should summarize your findings and restate the thesis.

Step 9: Edit Your Paper When you have finished the rough draft, read through it again and revise it. Pay particular attention to the content and organization of the paper. Does each paragraph have a topic sentence that relates to the thesis? Is each idea supported by evidence? Are there clear transitions from one section to another, from your words to quotations? Are there clear transitions to indicate to the reader when one idea is ending and another one is beginning? Revision often requires many readings, each with its own purpose.

Step 10: Write the Final Draft The final draft of your paper should be typed and must include citations and a bibliography; some paper might require a title page, depending on the formatting style and/or the professor. The title page should include the title of the paper, your name, the name of the course, the instructor's name, and the date the paper is due. Footnotes are a matter of style and you can check with your instructor on the format he/she prefers. In general, though, a footnote is indicated by an Arabic numeral raised a half space above the line, placed after the sentence or passage to which it refers. Footnotes may be arranged in numerical order at the bottom of the page on which they appear or a separate page (labeled Endnotes) placed at the end of the paper just before the bibliography. The bibliography is simply a list of your sources; how it is arranged depends again on the formatting style (MLA/APA/etc). Before handing in your paper, be sure to proofread it for any mechanical errors.

Source: American University, Academic Support Center, Writing Lab, updated 2009 

Inspirational Quotes

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. ~Robert Fulghum


Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey


If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill


We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~Author Unknown


A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown


The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello


I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa


The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work. ~Harry Golden


We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


You can't run away from trouble. There ain't no place that far. ~Uncle Remus


Enduring habits I hate.... Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882


If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes


The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he's got an abscess on his knee or in his soul. ~Rona Barrett


Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. ~Garth Brooks


Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ~Garrison Keillor


Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. ~Erich Fromm


I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. ~Jewish Proverb


Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy


You have come into a hard world. I know of only one easy place in it, and that is the grave. ~Henry Ward Beecher


If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes. ~The Houghton Line, November 1965


Turn your wounds into wisdom. ~Oprah Winfrey


Sometimes the littlest things in life are the hardest to take. You can sit on a mountain more comfortably than on a tack. ~Author Unknown


If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark


As long as you keep getting born, it's alright to die some times. ~Orson Scott Card


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa


Bad is never good until worse happens. ~Danish Proverb


It just wouldn't be a picnic without the ants. ~Author Unknown


You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. ~Walt Disney


Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha


When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom


There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out. ~Lou Reed, "Magic and Loss"


We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. ~Charles C. West


Things are never so bad they can't be made worse. ~From the movie The African Queen


If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit


The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~Theodore Rubin


Every path hath a puddle. ~George Herbert, "Jacula Prudentum"


A bad grade is only one letter in the Essay of life. ~Lee Drake


I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. ~Agatha Christie


Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


I believe there are more urgent and honorable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering. ~Colette


Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. ~Johann Paul Friedrich Richter, Flower, Fruit, and Thorn


Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. ~African Proverb


There is no education like adversity. ~Disraeli


We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't. ~Frank A. Clark


If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr.


He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche


When written in Chinese the word "crisis" is composed of two characters - one represents danger and the other represents opportunity. ~John F. Kennedy, address, 12 April 1959


The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back. ~Author Unknown


There are some defeats more triumphant than victories. ~Michel de Montaigne


Adversity introduces a man to himself. ~Author Unknown


It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant


Even our misfortunes are a part of our belongings. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Night Flight, 1931, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert


That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not. ~James K. Feibleman


The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney


If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it. ~John Steinbeck


Defeat may serve as well as victory to shake the soul and let the glory out. ~Edwin Markham


Life didn't promise to be wonderful. ~Teddy Pendergrass


Adversity is the first path to truth. ~Lord Byron


Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires - disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way. ~Bernie S. Siegel


We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one. ~John Updike


Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution. If you don't have any problems, you don't get any seeds. ~Norman Vincent Peale


Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923


Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump; you may be freeing him from being a camel. ~Gilbert Keith Chesterton, Orthodoxy, 1909


The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown


A problem is a chance for you to do your best. ~Duke Ellington


Suffering is above, not below. And everyone thinks that suffering is below. And everyone wants to rise. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


They say a reasonable amount 'o fleas is good fer a dog - keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog, mebbe. ~Edward Westcott


Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Maxims and Reflections


Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating. ~O. Henry, The Gifts of the Magi


Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.... [A]ccept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.... ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923


The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. ~Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own, 1929


I had a lover's quarrel with the world. ~Robert Frost, The Lesson for Today, 1942


I owe much to my friends; but, all things considered, it strikes me that I owe even more to my enemies. The real person springs life under a sting even better than under a caress. ~André Gide


Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience. ~Author Unknown


Convert difficulties into opportunities, for difficulties are divine surgeries to make you better. ~Author Unknown


Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant. ~Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus), Satires


The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities. ~Sophocles


Have the courage to face a difficulty lest it kick you harder than you bargained for. ~Stanislaus I, Maxims


Sometimes I think my life would make a great TV movie. It even has the part where they say, "Stand by. We are experiencing temporary difficulties." ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. ~Rainer Maria Rilke


Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. ~Josephine Hart


Yes, one must suffer, even in vain, so as not to have lived in vain. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars. ~Violeta Parra


There is no ghost so difficult to lay as the ghost of an injury. ~Alexander Smith


Despair is anger with no place to go. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


What a pity human beings can't exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow's. ~Olin Miller


Problems are messages. ~Shakti Gawain


There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. ~Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, 1820


For fate has wove the thread of life with pain,
And twins ev'n from the birth are Misery and Man!
~Homer, Odyssey


People are resilient. After all, every person born has recovered from nine months on life support. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered. ~Oscar Wilde


Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us. ~Voltaire


A man is insensible to the relish of prosperity 'til he has tasted adversity. ~Sa'di (Musharrif-uddin)


The art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them. ~Bernard M. Baruch


A new wound makes all the old ones ache again. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. ~Author Unknown


Thorns and stings
And those such things
Just make stronger
Our angel wings.
~Terri Guillemets


When life gives you lemons, please, just don't squirt them in other people's eyes. ~J. Andrew Helt


The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. ~Max Lerner, The Unfinished Country, 1950


God uses suffering as a whetstone, to make men sharp with. ~Henry Ward Beecher


Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


There are sufferings that have lost their memory and do not remember why they are suffering. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


Real pain can alone cure us of imaginary ills. We feel a thousand miseries till we are lucky enough to feel misery. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge


Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice. ~William James


Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things. ~Henry Ward Beecher


He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. ~Edmund Burke, The Revolution in France, 1790


The course of true anything never does run smooth. ~Samuel Butler


Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. ~Steven Kloves, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (movie)


Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness. ~André Gide, L'immoraliste


If the thunder is not loud, the peasant forgets to cross himself. ~Russian Proverb


Pain is sometimes the cost of a meaninful existence. I can handle that. ~Jeb Dickerson, www.howtomatter.com


At times, challenges hit with the force of a roaring, rushing waterfall. The true test, however, is whether you can put your arms up and enjoy the feel of the water. ~Aviva Kaufman


Past and to come, seems best; things present, worse. ~William Shakespeare, Henry IV


During the darkest indigo midnight, yet will countless stars blossom. ~Dr. SunWolf


People don't ever seem to relate that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune. ~William McFee, Casuals of the Sea, 1916


Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity is a greater. ~William Hazlitt


Allow yourself a moment of grief when life's misfortunes visit you. However, do not spend your days building a monument in honor of them. ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com


Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles. ~Maltbie D. Babcock


I bear a little more than I can bear. ~Elinor Hoyt Wylie, Angels and Earthly Creatures. One Person. Sonnet XVI


Every evil is some good spelt backwards, and in it the wise know how to read Wisdom. ~Coventry Patmore


May you get what you wish for. ~Old Chinese Curse


You'll never find a better sparring partner than adversity. ~Walt Schmidt


Watch a man in times of... adversity to discover what kind of man he is; for then at last words of truth are drawn from the depths of his heart, and the mask is torn off. ~Lucretius, On the Nature of Things


"The horror of that moment," the King went on, "I shall never, never forget!" "You will, though," the Queen said, "if you don't make a memorandum of it. ~Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass, 1872


Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. ~Rainer Maria Rilke


When life takes the wind out of your sails, it is to test you at the oars. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


Sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose. ~Billie Holiday


If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment. ~Henry David Thoreau


Human suffering, while it is asleep, is shapeless. If it is wakened it takes the form of the waker. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


There are times in everyone's life when something constructive is born out of adversity... when things seem so bad that you've got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it. ~Author Unknown


Prosperity is not without many fears and distastes, and adversity is not without comforts and hopes. ~Francis Bacon


The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. ~Norman Vincent Peale


It is better to drink of deep griefs than to taste shallow pleasures. ~William Hazlitt, Characteristics, 1823


Better bread with water than cake with trouble. ~Russian Proverb


Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them. ~Hugh Miller, Snow on the Wind


The darkest hour has only sixty minutes. ~Morris Mandel


The gem cannot be polished without friction nor man without trials. ~Confucius


God gave burdens, also shoulders. ~Yiddish Proverb


But ah! disasters have their use;
And life might e'en be too sun-shiny.
~Charles Stuart Calverley, Disaster, after Moore, stanza 5


There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. ~Harry Crews


When suffering comes, we yearn for some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear. That's how he finds that he can bear anything. ~William Faulkner


Would you touch a nettle without being stung by it? take hold of it stoutly. Do the same to other annoyances, and hardly will any thing annoy you. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827


We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. ~Winston Churchill


It is always in the midst, in the epicenter, of your troubles that you find serenity. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wartime Writings 1939-1944, translated from French by Norah Purcell


Tragedy is restful: and the reason is that hope, that foul, deceitful thing, has no part in it. ~Jean Anouilh, Antigone, 1942


Happy is the man who can endure the highest and lowest fortune. He who has endured such vicissitudes with equanimity has deprived misfortune of its power. ~Seneca


My strength is made perfect in weakness. ~II Corinthians


Problems are the price you pay for progress. ~Branch Rickey


When you're feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best. ~Leslie Grossman


The dark and the light are braided and bound. ~Marc Ian Barasch


Happiness is beneficial for the body but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind. ~Marcel Proust, The Past Recaptured, Remembrance of Things Past


Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. ~Bill Gates, Business @ the Speed of Thought


The art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them. ~Bernard M. Baruch


Like a plant that starts up in showers and sunshine and does not know which has best helped it to grow, it is difficult to say whether the hard things or the pleasant things did me the most good. ~Lucy Larcom


If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart. ~Socrates


Men grow tired of sleep, love, singing and dancing sooner than of war. ~Homer, Iliad


There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. ~Woody Hayes


It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. ~Cicero


Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. ~Truman Capote


No man ought to lay a cross upon himself, or to adopt tribulation, as is done in popedom; but if a cross or tribulation come upon him, then let him suffer it patiently, and know that it is good and profitable for him. ~Martin Luther


Flowers never emit so sweet and strong a fragrance as before a storm. When a storm approaches thee, be as fragrant as a sweet-smelling flower. ~Jean Paul Richter


Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting, it may not be logical but it is often true. ~Mr. Spock, Star Trek


I have woven a parachute out of everything broken. ~William Stafford


I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss


The misfortunes of mankind are of varied plumage. ~Aeschylus, The Suppliant Maidens


I don't like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and it isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them. ~Boris Pasternak


We must try not to sink beneath our anguish... but battle on. ~J.K. Rowling


To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness. ~Bertrand Russell


Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle. ~James Russell Lowell, "Cambridge Thirty Years Ago," Literary Essays


Bygone troubles are good to tell. ~Yiddish Proverb


The cold is a good counselor, but it is cold. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things. ~Winston Churchill


Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around. ~Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb, "Rock Bottom" (song)


If the wind will not serve, take to the oars. ~Latin Proverb


We look before and after,
And pine for what is not;
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, "Ode to a Sky Lark"


In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. ~Oscar Wilde, Lady Windemere's Fan, 1896


Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown


How can something bother you if you won't let it? ~Terri Guillemets


Poverty, Frost, Famine, Rain, Disease, are the beadles and guardsmen that hold us to Common Sense. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight. ~Josh Billings


In our nature, however, there is a provision, alike marvelous and merciful, that the sufferer should never know the intensity of what he endures by its present torture, but chiefly by the pang that rankles after it. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter


But ne'er the rose without the thorn. ~Robert Herrick


You never know what you've got until it's gone. ~Author Unknown


That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it. ~From the movie Old Yeller


God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. ~John Aughey


Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course. ~William Shakespeare


There are two things that one must get used to or one will find life unendurable: the damages of time and injustices of men. ~Nicolas Chamfort

Faiz Ahmed Faiz

Nahin nigaah mein manzil to justujoo hi sahi, Nahin visaal mayassar to arzoo hi sahi.

Na tan mein khoon faraaham na ashq aankhon mein, Namaaz-e-shauq to waajib hai, be-wuzu hi sahi.

Kisi tarah to jame bazm maikade waalon, Nahin jo baada-o-saaghar, to haa-o-huu hi sahi.

Gar intezaar kat'hin hai to jab talak ae dil, Kisi ke waada-e-fardaa ki guftgoo hi sahi.

Dayaar-e-ghayr mein mehram agar nahin koi, To Faiz zikr-e-watan apne ru-ba-ru hi sahi.

[Faiz Ahmed Faiz]

Translation:

Though the destination eludes sight, let the search be; Though union defies attainment, let the longing be.

The body lacks blood, the eyes lack moisture; Yet the prayer of desire is obligatory, without purity it may be.

Let the gathering come alive somehow, O those of the tavern; If not goblets of wine, let light-heartedness and laughter be.

If the wait is tough, then in the meantime, O heart; On someone's promise of tomorrow, let conversation be.

In this abode of strangers, if no confidant exists, then Faiz! Let the invocation of homeland with yourself be.

One line jokes

Ultimate chat-up line: Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?"

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'

I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West.

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.

Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.

To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!

A spa hotel is like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble.

I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.

There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.

The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?

Alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex. After they've drunk enough of it.

Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls

Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"

Descartes finishes his drink and the barman says: "Want another?" Descartes says: "I think not" and vanishes.

How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.

What lies shivering on the seabed? A nervous wreck.

How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor? Silverware.

What bird can lift the most? A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear? Address.

What country makes you shiver? Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something!

Which two sports have face-offs? Ice hockey and leper boxing

What did one magnet say to the other? I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.

What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati? Dead.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks? Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear? Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car? A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car? A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud? A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.

Why did the doughnut shop close? The owner got tired of the hole business!

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle

"I do like to see the arms and legs fly" Col. George S Patton

The chickens have come to roast

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" - Mark Twain

If your parents didn't have any kids, there's a good chance you won't.

"To have no wants is divine" Socrates

An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank

Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.

College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep

The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation

A self-made man? Yes - and worships his creator.

Why is it that everyone has to be different these days?

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.

"They defend their errors as if they were defending their inheritance"

Forecast for tonight: Dark

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much

Some things have to be believed to be seen

God must love the common people, he made so many of them.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

"Life's a bitch, and then you murder one" ex basket-ball player

Overpopulation : When people take leave of their census

Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.

Dead people are cool

Television: the bland leading the bland

Old musicians never die. They just decompose

4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

"My name is Dr. Hildegarde Landstrom, and I am quite, quite mad."

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The anger of the meek and humble is named wrath

We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If you don't like the way women drive....get off the sidewalks

"It is unbelievable what unbelievable things an unbeliever will believe in order to be an unbeliever."

Anybody can be Pope; the proof is that I have become one. John XXIII

BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.

All right. Who set the phasers to deep fat fry?

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.

Politics - Poli = Many , Tics = Blood sucking parasites

"I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?" -- Groucho

Hey! Look at our Al. He's the only boy walking in step!

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

Very few people can afford to be poor.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot.

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.

In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.

98% of all constipated people don't give a crap

Attention animal lovers, what you are doing is illegal....

Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.

100% of all smokers die. So do 100% of all non-smokers.

The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.

To every rule there is an exception. Except this rule. Er...

... Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves

"Trust me, I haven't done this before and it didn't work then either"

Don't beam me up yet Scotty....I'm having a Sh..i..i....i

Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.

When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!

The Truth Is The Only Law

A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory.

... And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and Women Drivers

This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.

SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice

Wine is sunlight, held together by water

Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.

Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.

Today's rebel is tomorrow's tyrant.

It's easier to denature plutonium than the evil spirit of man. Einstein

Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.

High heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.

Millihelen: Amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

9 out of 10 cats prefer mice.

Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the other way round

A smart man covers his butt, a wise man leaves his pants on.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very precise mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Don't anthropomorphise computers. They hate it.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C:\<>

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

When I grow up I want to be a web page.

E Pluribus Modem

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Itanium.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Press -- to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Intel inside. Idiot outside.

Even parity's odd

Keyboard error. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"4MB is our mantra." - Steve Ballmer, 1994

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

"No, we don't write stable Operating Systems!"-Bill Fences(MickySoft)

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

One line jokes!

Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.

5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.

8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant.

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

One liner collection

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy.

---

If you go to a bookstore and ask them where the 'Self-Help' section is, would that defeat the purpose?

---

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
You know what http:// actually stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You're in the back seat of your convertible, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is
Your checkbook always balances
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've even tried to repair a $5 radio

---

Money Matters:

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

My parents were soooooo poor, they got married for the rice.

"Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors." - J. Bothne

The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

Give 'til it hurts... then have your accountant calculate the write- off.

We were soooooo poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid's fingers.

"People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes." - George Burns

I'm as broke as the ten commandments.

Money can't buy everything... but then again neither can no money.

Money takes the sting out of being poor.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.

We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then we'd swell up for dinner.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

---

31 More Thoughts to Keep You Laughing Through Another Month
(Provided you read one each day.)

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. He who has, so shall he who. - Old Norwegian Proverb
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

---

Ponder this:

Are snakes afraid of other snakes?

If you overdosed on decongestant tablets, would you turn into a pile of dust?

Why don't ceramic cats come complete with synthetic hairballs?

At an 'all-you-can-eat' restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?

Why is it that most irons have a setting for 'permanent press' garments?

Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?

Why is it a 'garage door opener', since it opens and closes the door?

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

Could you be arrested for selling 'illegal-sized' paper?

If you wear your heart on your sleeve, where do you display other bodily parts?

And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

How would you ever know if a word was mis-spelled in the dictionary?

If we know the speed of light, why hasn't anyone calculated the speed of dark?

What's another word for 'thesaurus'?

How come birds aren't tickled by feathers?

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

---

From the Strange, but Fertile Mind of Steven Wright:

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice)

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright on The Big picture:

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

---

Great Graffit:

From a book called, 'Wisdom From The Walls,' by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:

'If you can piss this high, join the fire department.'
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If Clinton were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
- Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.
- Women's Restroom. City View Tavern. Cincinnati, Ohio.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
- The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. -Heck, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
- The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. write:

---

More Steven Wright Gems:

Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for 28 bucks.

Once I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody's makin' a penny.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.

I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile for a satellite picture.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums.

Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle, Washington and a man walked in and asked 'If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?'

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Sometimes you can't hear me, because sometimes I am in parenthesis.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day, now I can only stutter in Spanish.

I lost a button hole.

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.

I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked 'Do you live around here often?'

You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flipups.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.

I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge.

I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him 'Stay'. He was really confused, I used to say, 'Come here, Stay', 'Come here, Stay'.

One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

One time the police stopped me for speeding and said 'Don't you know the speed limit is only 55 miles an hour?' I said, 'I know, but I wasn't going to be be out that long.'

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend like I am in a submarine that has been hit.

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all night.

When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove right to the mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre dream I was ski diving horizontally.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information.

I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's playing so I bought the album.

I went to a place to eat that said 'Breakfast Anytime'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark.

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it.

I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All the paintings were up on refrigerators.

The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'

If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what would they do?

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know what it is.

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another dimension.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time.

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500 mph.

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.

I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was bi-illterate. She couldn't read in 2 languages.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all the years...Fred & Barney.

I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We switched every half mile.

I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen.

Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

Last time I went camping I accidently borrowed a circus tent.

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

---

MURPHY'S Laws on Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An 'acceptable' level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

---

One-Liners about Lawyers:

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?... He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator -- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

---

Fun Facts to Amaze Your Friends:
(or to indicate that you have far too much free time on your hands)

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

---

More Trivial Facts of Life:
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

Thanks to:Jana N. Shoreview, MN

---

Camper’s Complaints

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

---

Baby Boomers Then and Now

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: A KEG
Now: An EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now: The President's struggle with fidelity

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

---

New State Mottos:

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

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THE BEST T-SHIRT SLOGANS of 1998:
"Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"I Used Up All My Sick Days So I Called In Dead"
"Be Nice to Your Children -- They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Life Is Hard; Then You Nap"
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"Just Hand Over the Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer"
"I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Re-Elect Nobody"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Use Duct Tape"
"Young at Heart -- Slightly Older in Other Places"
"The Boat Sank. Get Over It" (Over a sketch of the Titanic)
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"

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She’s so blonde/he’s so dumb that...

1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test and failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.

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More Bumper Stickers:
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . .He Shoots.. He..Scores!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

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If you’re like me, and I know I am...

I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I’ve found that a few smaller countries are neutral.

I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

My sister (mother, exwife, whomever) is a great housekeeper. She’s been married and divorced four times and each time she’s kept the house.

I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you’ll be lucky!”

I applied to work with a local political campaign committee yesterday. They asked me if I lie, cheat, or steal. I told them, “No, but I’m willing to learn.”

---

Would You Like to Join....

The Yoko Club?
Oh no.
The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?
The Arafat club?
Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club?
Forget it.
The Ebert club?
Roger.
The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club?
Noh.
The quarterback club?
I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club?
I don't give a damn.
The compulsive rhymners' club?
Okey-dokey.
The Spanish opometrists club?
Si.
The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.
The pregancy club?
Conceivably.

---

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Light is on, but nobody's home.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.

---

Good Question!

* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say 'Open here' ... What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up atm.?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

---

Seen on Bumper Stickers

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats... They taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

---

More thoughts, axioms, questions and ponderables...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're cramming for their finals.

Mothers here feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. Do mothers in China use toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailcarriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did some shopping.

If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

---

Forty Nine Thoughts, Observations, Rules and Axioms to work into your liners:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
11. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
16. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
17. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
18. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
20. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
22. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
26. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
29. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
30. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
31. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
32. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
33. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
35. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
36. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
37. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
38. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
39. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
40. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
41. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
42. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
43. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
44. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
45. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
46. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
47. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
48. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

---

Button-Worthy Sayings:
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

---

Merger Mania
Here are the new product and company names resulting from mergers of some well known companies:

Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear:
mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da

---

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

---

And now some oneliners from stand-up comics. Thanks to Patty (megamom) for the contribution.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
* Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
* Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
* George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
* Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
* Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
* John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
* Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
* Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
* Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery

Heard some good oneliners? E-Mail them to: tim@octane.com - Thanks!

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One-Liners sent to us by Matthew Thenell - Thanks Matt!

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything’s coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

---

Here are some oneliners for jocks who are self-proclaimed "Round Mounds of Sound":

I’m so fat...

When I haul ass I have to make two trips.
When I dance, I make the band skip.
I was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave me 13 years to live.
My cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
My high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
I ran away as a child and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
I’ve got smaller fat disc jockeys orbiting around me.
I could sell shade.
When I go to a restaurant, they don't give me a menu, they give me an estimate.
I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.
When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

---

"With an intellect rivaled only by garden tools...."
"Body by Fischer....brains by Mattel...."
"Speading joy and goodwill while annoying the masses..."
"Living proof there's too much chlorine in the gene pool...."
"The guy who knows the Twins (or the team of your choice) are like a fine wine...and will be in the cellar for a few more years..."
"Giving you at least 60 minutes every hour..."